This time of year..............

Losing a family member and in my case my daughter, I have learned to get through the times where I miss her the most. The days I am speaking of are holidays, days that meant something to us, and my birthday. I have learned to find something to do to begin new traditions. Ones I do in honor of my daughter instead of with her. It seems to be settling and give me peace.

Yet there is one week in the year that still really hurts, one that I have not been able to get through without many tears. That week is coming up, and I am attempting to find a way to make it through a little easier. You would think after three years I could deal with this better. In reality a mother never gets over the loss of a child. I do what I do on other Holidays, I find something to do positive, but it is not the same. You see there are three days that fall in this week and that is what makes it hard. I have managed to muddle through 51 weeks of the year and I do pretty well, but this week I am referring to consists of Mother's Day, Ashley's Birthday and the day I award the scholarship.

In 1989 Ashley was born on Mother's Day. So both of these day's hold so much emotion for me and so many memories. This year especially as Ashley would be celebrating her 21st birthday. I promised her a big party for her birthday. These are the memories that hurt the most. The promises I will not be able to fulfill to her. But I will find a way to honor her instead.

Mother's day is a tough one as it is quiet. There is no sound of her voice wishing me a Happy Mother's Day or spending the day together as we did, but again I will find away to honor her on that day as well. People tell me it is Mother's Day, but in reality all Mother's would not have that day if it were not for their child. Like every child Ashley loved birthday's and I always tried to make them memorable. I loved celebrating her birthday and I still do. Ashley's favorite flower was the ink rose and her favorite color...pink.

Each year on her birthday her friends and I get together and we give her pink roses (one for each year) and we release the same amount of pink balloons. Each balloon contains messages from family and friends. We watch them float peacefully into the sky. I always smile as they head in the direction to the mall each year (Ashley's favorite place). Obviously it is not the same as having her with me, but it is my new tradition to honor her.

Then there is the Scholarship. This day is such a bittersweet one. I still cannot get through the presentation of awarding her scholarship without a steady stream of tears, but it is something I need to do to heal. On one hand I look at these students (who are the age of Ashley when she died) and I think of their hopes and dreams and how I am a part in assisting them in those dreams, and the other part of me wished I were assisting Ashley in obtaining financial aid for here own schooling.

What makes it all worth it is the feeling I get once I present that scholarship. It is somewhat indescribable, but each time I do I seem a little more at peace. I know I am doing what I need to do to pay it forward, and I know the memory of my angel lives on. But the one feeling I have each time I do this, (this will be the third year) is I feel Ashley's presence with me more than I ever do. Whether it be my imagination or her presence is with me, it is one thing I cherish of this day.

So although the week is a difficult one for me emotionally and that I don't look forward to it's arrival once a year, there are so many memories I have of the past Birthday's and Mother's Day's and now with her scholarship that somewhat make it a special one. Until now I wanted to avoid because of how emotional it is. Yet in reality I now see I actually look forward to it.

When that week is complete, I know I made a difference to someone. I gave a person who was a complete stranger before the week began a second chance. The same second chance my daughter was given. What better way to honor Ashle's memory is there than that?