Saying Goodbye...Eulogy Part 1

My Eulogy went as follows:

It was Mother’s day 1989, the year I received the best Mother’s Day Present ever—my daughter Ashley. She made her entrance, or should I say Grand Entrance at 7:07 am. It was at that moment my heart opened up and my world began to revolve around her and all of her needs.
It was a warm day in June 2007 at 1:23am that my world stopped revolving as my beautiful daughter, my pride and joy was taken from me. My world came crashing down. The most unimaginable feeling I have ever felt, my heart broken forever.

There is so much I remember of Ashley’s life. I do not know where to begin. I remember each one of her firsts and each of her milestones as if it were yesterday. I had so many hopes and dream for my little girl, and she so many of them for herself. Some of which will never come true. But one thing I did learn to do is master how to deal with Ashley’s two most popular attitudes:
1. “Whatever mom… I know what’s going on”
2. “Mom I am almost 18, you can’t tell me what to do
Then she turned 18. I remember that day. She was sure to tell me I could not tell her what to do and went and got her tongue pierced.

Here we are today. I should not be doing this. Today she was supposed to come back to Reno to see me, to spend time with me. A simple pleasure I will never be able to do with her again. I can not begin to describe the pain. It is so hard to comprehend, to believe, to digest. No more “Happy Mother’s Day Mom”, no 21st birthday, no wedding, no grandkids, and no more “I love you Mom” It is all gone in a blink of an eye. For those of you who are here today who have children please remember this advise… daily tell them that you love them. Kiss them, hug them and don’t let the little things get in the way. Love them the best that you can. This way they always know how you feel and you never regret a moment. I know I did this with Ashley and I am thankful for that.

She was such a beautiful baby. I remember when she was put in my arms. “WOW” She had beautiful eyes, a full head of hair and such long fingers. As she got older there was that beautiful smile and that contagious laugh. I loved it when she would look up at me, hold her arms out, and her hands would make a waving like motion and tell me “hold you mama, hold you”. I would pick her up and get the most satisfying hug every time. My heart melting each time. Then there was the time she was sitting in her high chair and told me “mommy down” because she was done with her dinner. I told her no because she had not touched her dinner and that she needed to eat. At that point I got the look which later in life I called the “whatever mom” look. At that point she took her hand and put it in the middle of the plate, and looked at me and said, “I touched it, now down.” I should have realized what a strong independent child I had then.

As she grew that will and independence grew stronger and stronger.

Take the time she broke her elbow. She was outside playing on the porch. She had her shoes off and the water on. I told her not to climb on the railing. That’s where I went wrong. I told Ashley no! As I walked in the house she climbed up on the railing with her squirt gun and lost her balance and fell. She walked in the house with no tears and said calmly, “Mom I think I broke my arm.” I asked her what happened. She told me that she was hunting like her dad and trying to shoot the birds out of the trees with her squirt gun.
As she grew that will of hers grew and she became more independent. And as we all know with that independence grew the stubborn streak that we all know and love. I often complained about it, but know looking back; I wonder where she got it? With Ashley even if it was wrong it was right, because that is how she felt, and that was that!

This is the point where Ashley and I quit Seeing Eye to eye. I was now the enemy who knew nothing. Through these years she became smarter and I became dumber. These were the years that were the most defining for both of us as mother and daughter. There was so much anger, heartache and pain and now it seem like it was so much lost time we could have spent building memories. But during these years it is when Ashley and I learned to see the best in each other and embrace it. What was odd though is that it seemed with every fight or any difference we may have had it was me that helped her and her who helped me. In our own way we always knew that we would be there for each other when it came down to it. It did not matter what was said or what was done. It was like it was an unwritten and unspoken promise that we made to each other.

I waited in anticipation for each milestone in her life to come. We celebrated each one. Nothing could be small for Ash. It had to be big. We enjoyed then. We embraced them.

The one milestone which meant the most to me was her high school graduation. In Ashley’s mindset there was a time when school was “gay” as she put it and there was no need to go. But through perseverance, determination, help from those who truly cared and constant accountability she pulled through and realized the importance of completing school. She fulfilled all of our dreams for her a little over two weeks ago when she graduated. Seeing her in her cap and gown walking across the stage and receiving her diploma was the second proudest moment of my life. The first was the day she was born. I remember right after her graduation when I saw her. She gave me that big smile, we hugged and she said “Mom I did it, I actually did it.” She was as proud of herself as I was and we all were of her.